If the woke get their way, museums will soon be a thing of the past

During the great statue-toppling frenzy of 2020, anxious centrists proposed a compromise. Yes, of course we should remove any statues of hateful old colonialists – but rather than destroy them, we should display them in museums, in order to educate the public about how unspeakably shameful our country’s past was.

To begin with, this seemed to satisfy woke activists. But I doubt it will for much longer. Soon, even our museums will have to be cleansed of any relics that offend modern sensibilities. To see which way the wind is now blowing, look what’s happened at the Wellcome Collection in London.

At the weekend, it closed one of its exhibitions – because the people in charge had decided that it was “racist, sexist and ableist”. In a statement on Twitter – the natural setting for moral posturing of this kind – the museum apologetically explained that its “problematic” exhibition had “told a story” in which “disabled people, black people, indigenous peoples and people of colour were exoticised, marginalised and exploited – or even missed out altogether”.

Over the past couple of years, of course, we’ve become used to museums and art galleries lecturing us about how hideously problematic our ancestors were. As part of a recent exhibition on William Hogarth, for example, Tate Britain displayed a self-portrait of the 18th-century English artist seated at his easel, and added a caption suggesting that his chair represents “all those unnamed black and brown people enabling the society that supports his vigorous creativity”.

The Wellcome Collection, however, has gone one step further – by denouncing not merely the subjects of an exhibition, but the exhibition itself. Indeed, the museum even appears to be questioning its own existence. “What’s the point of museums?” it asked, on its Twitter page. “Truthfully, we’re asking ourselves the same question.”

We can all see where this is going to lead. The people who run other museums will start asking themselves that question, too. And then, having inevitably concluded that their exhibits, or the people who brought those exhibits to Britain, or the people who opened the museum in the first place, are racist, sexist, ableist, or just generally guilty of failing to reflect 21st-century progressive opinion, they will take the only honourable course – and shut their museums altogether.

For those of us who actually rather value museums, and are willing to forgive our ancestors for not being quite as impeccably virtuous as we are, it’s an alarming prospect. At this rate, I can see only one way to preserve our heritage.

Open a museum of museums.

It’s simple. My museum of museums will contain all the artefacts previously displayed in other museums. And when woke activists complain that these artefacts are racist, sexist and ableist, I’ll say, “Indeed they are. That’s exactly the point. My museum of museums stands as a vital reminder to the British public of how disgracefully problematic all this country’s museums were. Which is why I’ve called it The Unwellcome Collection.”

The porn supremacy

A policewoman calling herself “Officer Naughty” has quit the force after posting sexy selfies on OnlyFans, a popular adult website. Once upon a time, such a story would have been shocking.

Not any more. These days, hardly a week goes by without the papers running yet another report about some young woman quitting a respectable job in order to make a fortune posing on OnlyFans. We’ve read about a neuroscience graduate making over £200,000 a year on there. A former B&Q employee making £40,000 a month. An ex-motorsport driver who says she’s making “six figures a month”. And, most memorably of all: an ex-student who has made £2million on OnlyFans by, among other things, “pouring beans on herself and pretending to be a giant”. What’s sexy about pouring beans on yourself and pretending to be a giant, I’m not entirely sure, but in the modern world we must be open-minded about each other’s preferences.

At any rate, I shouldn’t mock. In fact, looking at the vast sums of money to be made, I’m tempted to start posing on OnlyFans myself. After all, I have the pedigree to match any of these women. In my early 20s, I appeared topless in the Sun and naked in a lads’ mag.

Admittedly, the former was for a health feature about internal body fat, and the latter was for an article about a world record for the greatest number of people riding a rollercoaster naked. But even so, I think it gave me a good grounding in the basics. To date I have no experience of pouring beans on myself and pretending to be a giant, but if you want to get ahead in your career, you must always be willing to learn new skills.

'Way of the World' is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines while aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday