Welcome back to Old Gold, our Sunday newsletter spilling forgotten tales to Upshot Gold members and readers who have referred at least one friend.
We spent the last week dodging bullets in Rio de Janeiro's seedy underbelly, doorstepping favela residents and pressing the flesh with shadowy underworld figures.
All in the pursuit of the mythical midfielder they call Kaiser...
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They call him the greatest footballer to never play a game: Carlos Henrique Raposo, aka Kaiser.
The Brazilian enjoyed a 13 year glittering career in the late 70s and 80s, taking him to France, Mexico and all four of Rio’s biggest clubs without playing a single match.
Kaiser’s con trick was simple: he would use his incredible charm and chutzpah to befriend powerful people at a club, showing them a lengthy (and fictional) CV. He’d seduce journalists, players and staff, constructing a web of lies until no one could remember who vouched for him in the first place.
As soon as there was any risk of having to play, Kaiser would fall to the ground, clutch his ankle, and roll around. And if anyone asked questions, he had a crooked dentist ready to diagnose him with a mysterious infection that caused leg injuries.
Other tricks included bribing youngsters to injure him in training and paying fans to chant his name. And he would sometimes chat in English or French on a toy mobile phone to pretend major European clubs were after him.
“I wanted to be among the other players,” Kaiser (pictured below on the left) once explained. “I just didn't want to play."
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Once safe from selection, he would slip into a kind of mascot role, lifting morale in the dressing room and leading the partying away from it.
Bebeto, the striker who won the ‘94 World Cup, recalled: “His chat was so good that if you let him open his mouth, that would be it. He’d charm you. You couldn’t avoid it."
His stylish looks - a curly wolf-cut, burly torso and cheeky smile - seemed a copy-and-paste job of Brazil’s national sweetheart Renato Gaúcho (pictured above on the right).
Kaiser admitted he was paid for sex by women who believed they were in bed with the long-haired winger. On one occasion, he convinced a nightclub bouncer he was Renato. The real Renato was denied entry.
Despite this con trick, the two became close friends. In fact, Kaiser was extremely popular, and even teammates who were fully aware of his scam adored him.
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In 1988, Kaiser moved to a Bangu, a small club owned by a famed Rio de Janeiro criminal, Castor de Andrade.
The gangster chairman quickly grew frustrated by his star signing’s lack of game time, ordering the manager to sub Kaiser on during a crunch game.
A terrified Kaiser considered his options, before jumping the fence and punching a fan in the face. He was sent off before he could get on the pitch.
Castor, carrying a gun and flanked by two henchmen, stormed into the dressing room at full-time. Before he could speak, Kaiser butted in:
I can’t let the fans abuse you. They called you a criminal, a villain, a drug trafficker.
You are incredible. God took away my father and gave me you.
My contract is up in a fortnight and you can be rid of me.
Castor extended his contract by three months and doubled his pay.
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