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7 October, 2023

Drabble in 1959. Evening Standard/Hulton Archive/Getty

Children first, books second, lovers third

“Books or babies?” It’s a choice that has presented itself to female novelists for centuries, says Margaret Drabble in UnHerd. And for a long time the answer, mostly, was books: great writers from Jane Austen, George Eliot and the Brontës to Katherine Mansfield and Virginia Woolf all chose the pen over the pram. But there have always been those who managed to buck the trend. And as a female novelist and mother, I have long delighted in collecting their tips and tricks.  

Elizabeth Gaskell, who raised four children, wrote to a friend that the secret to being a successful woman writer was to “soak the washing overnight”, as it reduced the time you’d have to spend on it in the morning (“though I assume she had servants to help her”). George Sand said she put her children first, her books second, and her lovers third. “That seemed to me an admirable attitude.” But it’s striking just how far this dilemma is from the experience of our male counterparts. For all Joseph Conrad moaned about his “lonely struggle in a great isolation from the world”, he was still having food put before him, and his life made easy, by his “tireless” wife. Henry James, who dreamed of a “Great Good Place” where invisible hands would wait upon him in a “kind of country house or club”, was in his ordinary life served “three coddled eggs for breakfast”. I can’t help but wonder: “Would I have written more and better if somebody had coddled me?”

Hero

Michael Parkinson, according to Helen Mirren, for asking about her “physical attributes” during an infamous 1975 interview. The actress previously described Parky as a “sexist old fart” for asking if her “equipment” distracted people from her acting talents. But “in lots of ways he was right”, the 78-year-old tells Radio Times. “My physicality did get in the way of me being taken seriously.” Parkinson, who died last month, always maintained his innocence. “Am I sexist?” he said. “No, I’m Yorkshire.”

Villain

Democratic congressman Jamaal Bowman, who pulled a fire alarm in the House of Representatives just as his colleagues were trying to stall a crucial vote. The 47-year-old insists he was merely attempting to open a nearby door, says the New York Post, but he obviously knew what he was doing. “The man’s a former middle-school principal.”

Heroes

Earthworms, which contribute as much to the world’s grain harvest as Russia. By burrowing and feeding underground, the slippery invertebrates increase soil quality and help the ground retain water. Soil scientists estimate that their contribution to crop growth amounts to 140 million tonnes of food a year – more than the 120 million predicted for Russia’s farmers in 2023. 

Villains

The East Midlands Ambulance Service, which is allowing staff to take up to a year of paid leave for the “male menopause”. Employees suffering from the “andropause”, which the NHS emphasises is not comparable to the actual menopause, will also be provided with additional uniforms, portable fans and flexibility with shift changes. I’m confused, says Allison Pearson in The Daily Telegraph. Isn’t the male menopause just a fancy name for a midlife crisis? Why don’t these men just “buy a shed”? 

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SNP leader Humza Yousaf (right) on the campaign trail. Jeff J Mitchell/Getty

Glasgow’s life expectancy is on a par with Syria’s

“Vote SNP and die three years early.” If Scotland’s ruling party were being “brutally honest”, says Andrew Neil in the Daily Mail, that would be its slogan. Unlike in most of the developed world, life expectancy north of the border is falling, not rising. Scottish men now live for an average of 76.5 years, compared to 79.9 years in England; for Scottish women, it’s 80.7 years compared with 83.6. In Glasgow, men can expect to live for just 72.9 years – “only a tad more” than in war-torn Syria. Drug-related deaths are 3.7 times higher than they were two decades ago, and 2.7 times higher than the UK average. Alcohol-related deaths are up a quarter compared to 2019. 

As with all its problems, the SNP likes to blame the “evil English” for all this. But that’s nonsense. The Scottish government has “complete control” over the NHS north of the border. And thanks to an “over-generous settlement” with Westminster, health spending is around 20% higher per person in Scotland than it is in England. No, the real problem is that the SNP “only really gets fired up about independence”. Because it’s not just the health system that’s being overlooked. Economic growth has become a “distant memory”. North Sea oil is running out. The number of businesses being set up is 50% of the overall UK level. The SNP has been criticised for presiding over the “Sick Man of Europe”. Sadly, it has gone one further: turning Scotland “into the Dying Man of Europe”. 

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A flying car first sketched on the back of a Silicon Valley napkin in 2015 made its debut at the Detroit Auto Show last month, says Robb Report. Built by California startup Alef Aeronautics, the Model A has a body made from lightweight carbon fibre mesh that conceals eight propellors, each with its own computer-controlled electric engine. The vehicle – which can drive on the road and take off vertically – is aimed at the general public, with an expected price of around $300,000. “I can teach you how to fly and drive this in about 15 minutes or less,” says Alef founder Jim Dukhovny. “If you can tell the difference between the right, left, up, down, front and back, you can do this. It’s pretty much the only controls it has.”

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Nope, it’ll just leave you trying to catch the waiter’s eye. Alamy

The Lord will provide? No He won’t

I was only a boy when I first began protesting the “idiocy of so much of the folk wisdom handed down to us”, says Matthew Parris in The Spectator. Many proverbs and adages are simply untrue, while others contain “thoroughly bad advice” or are “flatly contradicted” by alternative nuggets of “sage proverbial wisdom”. Last week I heard a politician claim every little helps. No it doesn’t, or not much. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu was not wrong to say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but omitted to mention the remaining 1,999,999 steps. “You’d be well advised to think about that before putting your best foot forward.” 

I want doesn’t get. “Oh yes it does.” This is supposed to encourage “supine passivity” in demanding children, but it’s nonsense. The truth is: “I want does get, and there’s no better advice for later life.” Patience is a virtue. Nope, patience will leave you hoping to catch the waiter’s eye while everyone else pushes in. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. “Prim, tight-fisted and ultimately impoverishing.” The Lord will provide. “No He won’t.” A problem shared is a problem halved. Wrong again – “a problem shared is a problem doubled”. Keep your problems to yourself. Sharing them just adds to the number of people worrying. 

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.”

David Foster Wallace

That’s it. You’re done.

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